“What do you mean that the Kremkoin has suffered 8,000% inflation in the last week?!” boomed K.rool.
“What I mean, sir,” said a Bristles with a quavering voice, “Is that the inflation is beyond what our mints kombined are even kapable of producing.”
“How is 8,000% even possible?!” K.rool said, clearly furious.
“Don’t be angry at him,” said Rekoil.
“Why didn’t you two fools tell me earlier?” asked K.rool.
“We weren’t sure was exaktly was going on. We wanted to see what was going on before we worried you. From Friday to Monday, it klimbed from 20% to 8,000%,” said Rekoil.
“You two are my treasurers and mint managers!” said K.rool, “How kould you let this happen!”
“We were afraid you’d fire us!” said Bristles.
“I might have, but I need you two to fix your mess that you’ve kreated now!” said K.rool.
“How did we kreate it?” asked Rekoil.
“I don’t know, but you’re the only ones that kould possibly be responsible for this!” K.rool said.
“Our suspikions link it to the kongs or someone else inside the Kremling Empire,” said Rekoil.
“The kongs don’t know how to make kremkoins. And even if they did, how would they distribute it?” asked K.rool.
“Which leaves,” said Bristles.
K.rool started dialing his telephone.
“Why isn’t the phone working?” asked K.rool, “I need to kall Kunning to resolve this matter!”
“Sir, it’s not plugged in,” said Rekoil holding up the end of the cord.
“Plug it in then!” K.rool yelled.
“Right away, Kaptain,” said Rekoil.
After a bit, K.rool heard the dial tone buzz. Then he started dialing frantically. And then the phone started to ring. On the other end, Kunning’s telephone began to ring as well in his workshop. The room was about fifteen feet high, ten feet wide, and twelve feet long. Inside were a set of scaffolds, a workstation neatly organized and full of tools, and a telephone precariously perched on a stand with a marble top much too small for it. Kunning used his telekinesis device to pull the receiver towards him onto the scaffolding. As the receiver and cord stretched, the marble stand started wobbling, but he grabbed it once it was within reach. And the wobbling stopped without knocking the pedestal over.
“Kunning here,” said Kunning.
“Kunning! The kremkoin has devalued by 8,000%!” said K.rool.
“What?”
“How kan you be so kalm at a time like this?!” said K.rool.
“Let me try that again. What?!” said Kunning.
“K.rool, should we sound the alarm?” asked Rekoil.
K.rool covered the mouthpiece with his hand and said, “No, keep it a sekret. We don’t want to make whoever did this know that we know.”
“K.rool, I can still hear you,” said Kunning.
K.rool whipped around to see that he wasn’t actually covering the mouthpiece, he was covering the earpiece of the telephone.
“How did you know I was attempting to kover it?” asked K.rool.
“You were whispering,” said Kunning, “That, and I assumed.”
“Do you have any solutions?” asked K.rool.
“Deflation is bad. But my opinion would be to stop the inflation. But of course, 8,000% inflation perhaps should be deflated,” said Kunning.
“You just advised me to go both ways,” said K.rool.
“I did?” asked Kunning laughing, “Do you have a better idea?”
“I kan’t go both ways,” said K.rool.
“Well, you have to pick,” said Kunning.
“What’s that noise behind you?” asked K.rool.
“The factories are running behind me. But I’m actively working on KAOS,” said Kunning.
He summoned up a pair of needle nose pilers.
“Kunning! How’s it going with KAOS?” asked Klank.
“Fine,” said Kunning, “I’m on the phone. Is it critical?”
“You know, you should actually kreate a phone without a kord,” said Klank, “Also, that pedestal going to fall over.”
“Is that all?” asked Kunning.
“No, aktually, one of the konveyor belts producing kremkoins…”
Kunning quickly covered the mouthpiece of the phone.
“I’m on the phone with K.rool discussing the issue of inflation. If you don’t mind, please make it quick,” Kunning said.
“Ok, well, it’s broken. Are we still go for go with our target number?” asked Klank.
“10,000%? Yes. That should completely debilitate and cripple the war machine,” said Kunning.
“I better be going,” said Klank.
Kunning uncovered the mouthpiece.
“Kunning, are you alive?” K.rool asked.
“I’m here,” said Kunning.
“Where were you?” asked K.rool.
The signal seemed to cut off,” said Kunning.
“Well, it didn’t on my end!” said K.rool.
“It’s been acting up lately. I’ll have to troubleshoot it later,” said Kunning.
“Kunning. I need advice,” said K.rool.
“On what?” asked Kunning.
“What is the motive?” asked K.rool.
“The things that come to my mind immediately are, perhaps someone is trying to stop the war by bankrupting you. Bankrupting the kremling empire could be another plausible explanation. Or, perhaps a kremling is trying to become a quadrillionaire and by doing so is causing inflation. In my opinion, either someone has a secret factory, or it’s coming from one of the main two,” said Kunning, “Kremkroc and Mekanos. As nothing is happening here, Mekanos would be the most likely solution.”
“I’m having a team of gnawties set up a room for kompiling evidence. They’re kurrently konverting it to a war room,” said K.rool.
“Are they done yet?” asked Kunning.
“No, but they should be done any minute. Their estimation was about ten minutes,” said K.rool.
“That quick?” said Kunning.
“I was surprised too,” said K.rool.
“Did any klaptraps follow them?” asked Kunning.
“Not that I know of,” said K.rool.
“Were any of them holding Klaptrap Guns?” asked Kunning.
“Upon sekond thought, they were,” said K.rool.
“That’s bad,” said Kunning.
“Agreed,” said K.rool, “Bristles and Rekoil, please go check out the war room.”
“Sure thing, Kaptain!” said Rekoil jauntily.
“What do you think happened?” asked K.rool.
“You’ll have to find out,” said Kunning.
“Kunning, I want you to join me here to investigate this matter. I have had it renamed the investigation room,” said K.rool.
“I’m busy,” said Kunning.
“Really?” asked K.rool, “What exaktly are you busy with?”
“KAOS, managing Kremkroc, managing the Kumulonimbus’s affairs, creating the krockoin,” said Kunning.
“The what?” asked K.rool.
“The krockoin! I’ve come up with a way to temporarily stall the destruction of Kremkroc!” said Kunning.
“It’s an order for you to kome over here, Kunning! You’re the only one that either I trust, or has the brains to do it,” said K.rool.
“I’m really busy!” said Kunning.
“Kome and help me, otherwise you’re…”
“Fired?” offered Kunning.
“In serious trouble,” said K.rool.
“I’m pretty certain that you were going to fire me,” said Kunning.
“I was not!” said K.rool.
“K.rool, there’s no need to get defensive,” said Kunning, “Aren’t you the one in charge? You get to make the orders. It doesn’t matter what I think!”
“You’re right, Kunning, as always. It doesn’t matter!” said K.rool.
“If it mattered what I think, I’d be higher ranked than I am!” said Kunning.
“You krack me up!” said K.rool chuckling, “Do you have anyone you kould aktually send that’s not busy?”
“Give me a second to think about it,” said Kunning.
“What’s your plan with the krockoin?” asked K.rool.
“Pay my workers with that. I doubt that the kremkoin will be able to be fixed anytime soon. Therefore, my workers will have no choice but to switch to the krockoin. The mayor of Hermit Crab Cove is also going to switch to the krockoin,” said Kunning.
“How did you konvince him?” asked K.rool.
“My influence with having the Kumulonimbus on his doorstep may have played a role in his decision,” said Kunning.
“Why do you need Hermit Krab Kove?” asked K.rool.
“There’re some potential exports that could prove invaluable in the coming crisis. Not that we aren’t already in one,” said Kunning.
“You don’t sound very optimistik,” said K.rool.
“In the case of trying to bankrupt the Kremling Empire, or the case of crippling the war machine, you’d need to find the source to stop the production. A similar case resides in the case of someone making themselves rich. With the growing inflation, the kremling will try to keep ahead of the inflation by creating more,” said Kunning.
“It has to be someone at Mekanos,” said K.rool, “Kunning, who is the leader there?”
“I’d rather not say. As the kremling in charge would lose their job,” said Kunning, “But who’s that in the background?”
“Hip hup! Left, right, left, right, left right! Halt!”
“General Klump, what are you doing here?” asked K.rool, “And why do those Kritters sound like they are frostbitten! They are chattering extremely loudly!”
“King Krool, sir!!” said General Klump, “I kan explain!”
“Well, explain quickly, before I toss you out of this building! You said you’d kome back with the heads of a hundred kongs!” said K.rool.
“About that, King Krool,” said General Klump, “We didn’t make it to the Kongo Jungle,”
“Why not!” said K.rool.
“Well, we have an army of terrakotta, well, skratch that, ice skulpture kremlings,” said General Klump.
“You what!!!!!!!!!!” said K.rool, “I gave you an army of three thousand kremlings and they are all frozen to death?!”
“We’ll have to wait until the winter thaws. Then we kan get those soldiers back into aktion!” said General Klump, “Things are looking bright, King Krool!”
“Don’t you get it, you nitwit? They’re dead! I knew it wasn’t a good idea to send them from the Southern Kremispheres to the Misty Mountains!” said K.rool.
“Are you sure that they’re dead?” asked General Klump.
“Of kourse, they’re dead! Now get out of here before I have you fired!” said K.rool.
“And one more thing. Aktually, two more things. The army heading through the Vine Valley got lost. Too many trees, you, see? Somehow, they ended up in Zany Zingerland,” said General Klump.
“What’s next? The fleet of ships supposed to kidnap the kongs hit a hurrikane?” asked K.rool.
“You’re aktually right, King Krool! Akkording to the one survivor of the ships, a hurrikane seemed to have spawned spontaneously and sunk every single ship in your fleet!” said General Klump.
“My whole navy is destroyed??!!” K.rool said.
“Every single ship you sent on that mission,” said General Klump.
“Get out of here!” said K.rool, “You’re abrogated!”
“Time to get out the diktionary,” said General Klump.
“Have I not made myself klear?!” asked K.rool, “Your title is rescinded! You’ve been degeneralized!”
“What?! King Krool, sir!! The army is my life! Where will I go?”
“That’s not my problem!” said K.rool, “Just don’t go teaming up with the kongs again!”
“Ok, King Krool, let me know when you rekonsider!” said General Klump.
“There won’t be me rekonsidering anything!” said K.rool.
“Ok. Hip Hup! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right…”
“Ow,” said Bristles bumping into the four Kritters marching out.
“Status update for you, Kaptain,” said Rekoil walking into the room.
“What happened?” asked K.rool.
“Your war room has been shredded,” said Rekoil.
“What do you mean?” asked K.rool.
“Well, all the furniture has been shredded to pieces, and all the wall art, and all of the other stuff in there. But the investigation room has been set up,” said Rekoil.
“Who did this?!” said K.rool.
“Klaptraps,” Bristles and Rekoil said at the same time.
“Klaptraps?” asked K.rool, “Out of Klaptrap guns?”
“It was probably the gnawties who are responsible for this mess,” said Bristles.
“Is the room aktually a mess?” asked K.rool.
“Ekscept for the wood chips and paper shreds on the floor, it looks fine,” said Bristles.
“I’ll have to live with it. Now you two go and klean up your mess and make sure that nobody bothers me anymore!” said K.rool.
“Will do, Kaptain,” said Rekoil.
“Finally, some peace and quiet, Kunning. Who is your kandidate for the investigation?” asked K.rool.
“Well, Konstrukt is busy, but Skholar isn’t. Skholar is my apprentice. I’ll let him know about it. I’ll let you know what he thinks,” said Kunning.
“Is he going to aktually kome over?” asked K.rool.
“Don’t be aggravated, K.rool. He’s always happy to adopt missions like this,” said Kunning.
“Let’s hope so,” said K.rool, “This is just bad. The kremling race may kollapse at its peak!”
“Who says this is the peak? Perhaps, we are worse off than in the original country game? Or maybe we aren’t even close to the peak yet? Maybe the true glory is just ahead,” said Kunning.
“I don’t know. Tell him to meet me at the mint. And additionally, don’t offend the koins. They might push you off a kliff,” said K.rool.
“Are they Koindozers?” asked Kunning.
“Hybrids of Koindozers and Koins,” said K.rool.
“Weren’t they hybrids already?” asked Kunning.
“I don’t exaktly know,” said K.rool.
“Are they Koins or Koindozers? Because Koindozers are technically hybrids of Koins and Dozers. Dozers don’t have the shield. And they fall asleep on the job frequently,” said Kunning.
“I have no idea, Kunning. Go ask them,” said K.rool.
“Remember, I’m busy,” said Kunning.
“Right,” said K.rool suspiciously, “How long until KAOS is fixed?”
“I’d say ready for a boss fight by Volcano Valley or Kong Kastle. If the kongs even get that far. I could have it ready for Kremkroc, but you probably want it somewhere else,” said Kunning.
“I have a ferocious Snapjaw ready for import any moment!” said K.rool.
“Considering my defenses, it is physically improbable for them to penetrate the walls of the facility,” said Kunning.
“And just bekause you said that, I will begin importing it immediately!” said K.rool.
“Why?” asked Kunning.
“It’s bekause of Murphy’s Razor,” said K.rool.
“Do you mean Murphy’s Law?” asked Kunning.
“Is that what it’s kalled?” asked K.rool, “Then so be it.”
“Kunning, whoever is responsible for this will die a hundred deaths,” said K.rool.
“Got it,” said Kunning.
“I’m sending some soldiers to Mekanos to inspekt it,” said K.rool, “If anything is slightly off, it’s bad news for whoever is responsible.”
“Bye, K.rool!” said Kunning.
K.rool had already hung up the phone.
“That was rude,” said Kunning.
“Well, sir, you’d expekt he’s in a bad mood!” said Skholar.
“When did you get here?” asked Kunning.
“Just a minute ago. Kopter told me that you were going to be looking for me soon, so I decided to make myself known!” said Skholar.
“You know the drill,” said Kunning.
“Throw suspicion away from yourself, and pin it on the fall guy,” said Skholar, “Have you decided who that is yet?”
“Krusha. He’s greedy for gold. Combined with his zero smarts, he sounds like the guy who would cause the kind of destruction necessary,” said Kunning.
“Which would leave you as the last leader other than K.rool standing,” said Skholar.
“Exactly,” said Kunning.
“Does he think Mr. X and Kleever are dead?” asked Skholar.
“I don’t know yet. I’ve been keeping them updated, but I ordered them to stay underground until it was safe. K.rool might be suspicious on why Mr. X’s army is still banded, though,” said Kunning.
“How is Krusha to make the gold?” asked Skholar.
“In a top-secret underground mint,” said Kunning, “At least that’s what K.rool will be led to think. You know how he jumps to conclusions immediately. Just hinting at it makes it fact.”
“Does K.rool think Mekanos is behind it?” asked Skholar.
“Naturally,” said Kunning, “That is the logical thing to assume.”
“Where does he need me to meet him. I assume he wanted you to kome, and you were “busy”?” asked Skholar.
“Yes, I’m working on KAOS,” said Kunning.
“The other thing,” said Skholar, “Anyways, is he going to check out Mekanos?”
“Yes. You need to send an unarmed drone with napalm fuel and have it lose connectivity and it crashes into Mekanos,” said Kunning, “He wants you to meet up with him at the new bank being constructed outside of K.rool Kaves.”
“You know, there’s quite the city growing outside the kave now.” Skholar said.
“I think it’s wiser to do that,” said Kunning.
“Do you think K.rool will appoint you ko-ruler or something once Krusha is busted?” asked Skholar.
“Doubtful. But who knows what could happen. We still need to enact the reforming of the kremlings. The kongs won’t be happy if the kremlings win. The kremlings need to act more likeable than they do,” said Kunning.
“Agreed,” said Skholar, “Do you think K.rool will arrest Krusha after jumping to konklusions?”
“Maybe. He’s just unpredictable under pressure. I’m going to provide the smoking gun whatever he does,” said Kunning.
“Now about the krockoin,” said Skholar.
“Good! I was meaning to be getting to that,” said Kunning.
“Klank and Konstrukt made an exekutive decision to halt the kremkoin produktion. We hit a projekted 9,000% and they kalled it good. We need all hands on deck to start producing krockoins before we go down with the kremkoin as well,” said Skholar.
“Has the mayor of Hermit Crab Cove and the kremling division commander there both agreed to exporting crops in return for krockoins and some minor inventions?” asked Kunning.
“Skidda just returned this morning. They have agreed,” said Skholar.
“Who again?” asked Kunning.
“The mayor of Hermit Crab Cove and the kremling kommander there,” said Skholar.
“No,” said Kunning, “The other kremling.”
“Skidda?” asked Skholar, “He was one of your scientists at.”
“Oh, Terra Incognita,” Kunning finished.
“Right,” said Skholar.
“Then, we need to start reimbursing kremkoins for krockoins,” said Kunning.
“What is the exchange rate you’ve produced?” asked Skholar.
“My whiteboard in my office has the exact number,” said Kunning.
“I saw it. All it says for the answer is, f(x)=a_0+∑_(n=1)^∞▒(a_n kos〖nπx/L〗+b_n sin〖nπx/L〗 ) . Which makes no sense,” said Skholar.
“Oh, that was something else,” said Kunning.
“What is the aktual answer?” asked Skholar, “Bekause what you wrote is klearly for trigonometry.”
“If I remember correctly, it was in my main office,” said Kunning.
“I checked your main office,” said Skholar.
“Oh! Klank said he was preparing for spring cleaning!” said Kunning.
“Does that inklude whiteboards?” asked Skholar.
“What he means is that he was going to start organizing,” said Kunning.
“I’ll go check again,” said Skholar, “Where would he have put it?”
“In all likelihood,” Kunning said, scratching his head, “In my utility closet.”
“I’ll go look, then,” said Skholar, “Just a moment.”
Skholar headed to Kunning’s office and then he checked his closet. There it was.
“Ay Yi Yi. Kouldn’t Kunning simplify this at all?! This is silly!” said Skholar.
∫_(-∞)^∞▒〖e^(-x^2 ) dx〗=[∫_(-∞)^∞▒〖e^(-x^2 ) dx〗 ∫_(-∞)^∞▒〖e^(-y^2 ) dy〗]^(1\/2)=[∫_0^2π▒∫_0^∞▒〖e^(-r^2 ) rⅆrⅆθ〗]^(1\/2)=[π∫_0^∞▒〖e^(-u) du〗]^(1\/2)=√π
Meanwhile, in Kunning’s workshop.
“Aha! I got it! 3.7885 kremkoins!” said Kunning, “And Skholar should be back any moment.”
A minute later.
“Kunning. Did you solve the problem or make it more komplex? The original was x=y dy/dx/{±(-dx*xy!)}! Your formula turned it to komplete nonsense!” said Skholar, panting.
“Quite the opposite, Skholar. In this case, the √(n^2 ) equals 3.7885 kremkoins! Quite elementary!” said Kunning.
“You’re joking, right?” asked Skholar, “Did you do that all in your head? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, not entirely, but establishing the square root of N squared was done in my head,” said Kunning, “I’m not boasting or anything like that, Skholar.”
“I suppose this is why you are potentially the smartest kremling who ever lived,” said Skholar.
“Start commencing the delivery of kremkoins. But I have a speech to make. I must announce the creation of the krockoin. Additionally, would you have our drone scientist, Krankshaft send one of his experimental, napalm-powered drones to Mekanos?” asked Kunning.
“Sir, that’s out of range. By five miles,” said Skholar.
“Kritter has made some long-range adjustments. A more efficient usage pattern,” said Kunning, “It should get there.”
“Does this have to do with K.rool inspekting Mekanos?” asked Skholar, “If so, it’s a wise move to bomb Mekanos. Bekause once that happens, the inflation stops, which korrelates with the end of produktion here.”
“We’re not going to bomb it. That’s too conspicuous. The drone will crash into Mekanos. The fuel will blow the complex up,” said Kunning.
“And that will also make K.rool rely on our exports,” said Skholar.
“That’s a good point, Skholar! I didn’t think about that fact,” said Kunning.
“I’ll head out immediately. K.rool doesn’t like waiting,” said Skholar.
“You’re forgetting something,” said Kunning.
“Oh, where does he want me to meet him?” asked Skholar.
“At the mint,” said Kunning, “That, or his investigation room. He wasn’t exactly clear.”
“He has an investigation room?” said Skholar.
“He just converted it to an investigation room,” said Kunning.
“How will I get there?” asked Skholar.
“You know what, Skholar? Take my portable helicopter,” said Kunning.
“Thanks!” said Skholar.
…
“Kaboing! I just kame up with something!” Krook said.
“What did you kome up with?” asked Kaboing.
“I kame up with two things! For one, why kan’t you return plants?” asked Krook.
“I don’t know,” said Kaboing.
“Likely bekause they kan’t sell any! Therefore, if someone buys one, they kan’t return it,” said Krook.
“You’re a genius!” said Kaboing, “What else?”
“It’s elementary, Watson,” said Krook.
“What did you say?” asked Kaboing.
“I was quoting a book,” said Krook.
“Which one?” asked Kaboing, “Robert Louis Stevenson’s Krem Island? The one with Long John Silver?”
“There’s more books than that,” said Krook.
“The Lord of the Bananas by J. R. R. Tolkong?” asked Kaboing.
“Really? Those are the only two books you know?” asked Krook.
“Those are the only two you’ve read to me,” said Kaboing.
“It’s Sherkrock Holmes!” said Krook.
“Who’s that?” asked Kaboing.
“A book,” said Krook.
“Ok. What’s the rest of the plan?” asked Kaboing.
“In a moment. Bekause kremlings don’t garden, they don’t sell any. The kongs may have owned the supply chain previously, but now that the kremlings have taken over, the kongs don’t kontrol any of the decisions anymore. Which is probably for the better. The kongs aren’t smarter than us kremlings,” said Krook.
“I’m sure they say the same thing about us,” said Kaboing.
“Perhaps,” said Krook, “Anyways, what I was saying that we kremlings don’t plant anything. So, from the standpoint of making money, it makes perfekt sense.”
“But what is your plan?” Kaboing interrupted.
“See this washer?” asked Krook pointing the book out and pointing at the entry.
“Yeah. 10 kremkents,” said Kaboing.
“We have the Kremkroc Kremling Katalogue deliver the washer. Then we sneak the tree in the back
while we request help with fixing our leaky pipe,” said Krook.
“But we don’t have one!” said Kaboing.
“Exaktly! The wonders a few bangs of a hammer kan do,” said Krook.
“Why wouldn’t we kall a plumber, instead?” asked Kaboing.
“Bekause, we wanted to be thrifty kremlings and save some money by fixing it ourselves,” said Krook.
“How do you make it fixable with a washer?” asked Kaboing.
“Uhh,” said Krook, “I have no idea.”
“The delivery person is going to kall us fools,” said Kaboing.
“Just me,” said Krook, “Your job is to load up the truck with the tree.”
“With what?” asked Kaboing.
“Kruncha has a forklift next door!” said Krook.
“Ingenious!” said Kaboing, “But how will I do without him noticing? He’s sure to be back very quickly after fixing the pipe! And how will you explain the noise outside?” asked Kaboing.
“Either by saying it’s the pressure of the pipes in the walls or there’s konstruktion going on outside,” said Krook.
“I like that idea. I say we go down to buy the washer now!” said Kaboing.
“Fine by me,” said Krook.
“We should get going soon, Bazaar’s General Store kloses in fifteen minutes!” said Kaboing.
“I kompletely forgot!” said Krook, “We have to leave!”
“Immediately!” said Kaboing.
Krook jumped out of his chair and tossed his catalogue into the chair behind him. The two of them ran out the door and bounded out to the street. When they had arrived, they were breathless. The street was exceptionally dusty today. Probably due to the uncharacteristic drought that was occurring. But what was noticeably uncharacteristic at this moment was that the line from Bazaar’s Store was stretching two blocks down.
“What’s going on?” asked Kaboing.
“I have no idea,” said Krook, “Maybe Bazaar will know.”
“We should ask him,” said Kaboing
The two of them started to walk up along the line, only to be berated by a barrage of
“Back of the line!”
“Wait your turn!”
“Grr.”
“No kutting through!”
“Hiss.”
And the like. Eventually they made it to Bazaar’s door.
“Bazaar! What’s going on!” asked Kaboing sticking his head through the door.
An annoyed Kritter craned his neck around to glare at Kaboing.
“Prices are hiking up effective as soon as I close!” said Bazaar hurriedly filling out the form for the delivery of apparently, what seemed to be an army of rubber ducks.
“Why?” asked Kaboing.
“Haven’t you two been paying attention to the news?” asked Bazaar.
“Not exaktly,” said Kaboing.
“There’s been 8% inflation in the last week!” said Bazaar.
“That sounds really bad,” said Kaboing.
“A record, actually,” said Bazaar.
“I’m certain they’re underexaggerating. When’s the last time K.rool has told the truth about something like this. Likely the truth is a hundred times that,” said a Bristles from near the front of the line.
“Probably so,” said Bazaar.
“Aren’t you klosing soon?” asked Krook sticking his head in from the other side of the door jamb.
“I’m extending my closing time so that everyone can fulfill their orders,” said Bazaar, “It’s only fair!”
“Klink! Turn on the TV for the updated inflation index!” said someone from the line.
“I was about to suggest that,” said Klink excitedly.
Klink clicked the TV on, and K.rool was giving a speech.
“Listen!” said Klink, “K.rool’s on!”
“Hear Hear!”
“Hear hear!”
“You as well, you hear hears. Maybe you should hear as well?” said Klink.
“It is my fullest expektation for us to rekover from this ekonomik debakle within the koming month. After that, we will have the most resilient kremling ekonomy that we have had in years! I should expekt nothing but that. For we have konquered DK Island. And therefore, kan we expekt some inflation? Yes. It is reasonable to inflate the kremkoin as to inflate our empire. Is one worth the other? Yes! What’s also worth the inflation of kremkoins? The now reported death of Mr. X! I have been able to konfirm that he, the traitorous Mr. X, is dead!” said K.rool.
General applause breaks out.
“I’ve had heard it, and seen footage of his death!” said K.rool.
A general murmur began to sweep the grounds. The reporter on scene put his mikrophone up to K.rool and asked him, “How kan you kill a ghost?”
“Perfektly simple! Render the spirit nonexistent! He got blown up!”
“How did you render enough force to kill him?”
“We had several nuklear bombs situated far beneath the surface. For some unknown reasons they detonated,” said K.rool, “Potentially sabotage by the banana brained baboons.”
“Why does one of the theories of thermodynamiks say that you kan’t destroy energy?”
“I’m not a rocket scientist! Ask Kunning or something!” said K.rool.
“How did you get footage if all of the kameras would’ve been blown up in the blast?”
“A new innovation that Kunning kalls Nowire tekhnology. Able to transmit information with wires,” said K.rool, “I’m a proponent of kalling it wireless, though. It rolls off the tongue much nicer.”
“How did Mr. X die if his energy kan’t get destroyed?”
“Kut, you lunkheads, kut!” said K.rool, “Edit that question out immediately!”
“That’s all from K.rool. It looks like his photographers didn’t kut it, then. And now from a speech from Kunning from a few hours ago that he sent in.” said the news announcer.
“Kremlings of the kremling empire, it is my regret to inform you that the information provided by K.rool is incorrect. The inflation index is in fact eight thousand percent.”
“What?!” said one of the kremlings in the line.
“8,000%?!?!” squeaked a female Bristles.
“Panic!” said Klump.
“He’s a liar,” said Kaboom.
“That is right. Eight thousand percent. For those of you that live and work at Kremkroc, there will be mandated conversion to the krockoin. Using a method to produce coins created by the brilliant scientists of Kremkroc, I have a pre inflation conversion rate at the ready. Hermit Crab Cove is also under this jurisdiction. The mayor and kommander have colluded to allow for the spreading of the krockoin there as well. K.rool has assured me that the kremkoin will be back to sorts in no time. So, the krockoin is just a precautionary measure on my part. The switch to krockoins must be made within 48 hours. Report to your nearest government building to collect krockoins. By K.rool’s orders, krockoins are not legal tender outside of those two areas. This is partially due to the high monetary conversions posed by the krockoin. K.rool has an investigation ongoing about discovering the culprit of this major crisis. I will be back with updat…”
The signal cut out, and there was static. And then the screen lit up with Technical Difficulties. Then there was a short pause in the crowd before a hubbub of chatter broke out.
“What happened?” asked Gnawty.
“There are two possibilities here,” said a Cat-o’-nine-tails, “Either the TV station is having a strike or, Kunning’s speech got censored.”
“But freedom of speech is in the unalienable rights amendment!” said a horrified Klobber.
“Kunning is lying,” said Kaboom.
“It’s unlikely if the latter is true, that there is evidence to unkover the censorship,” said Cat-o’-Nine-Tails.
“Why would Kunning’s speech be censored?” asked Kruncha.
“First of all, it kalled K.rool a liar. Kunning told the truth. K.rool didn’t. I’ll assume that Kunning is going to take reperkussions if it’s true. He kould lose his position at Kremkroc,” said Cat-o’-Nine-Tails.
“Why does Hermit Crab Cove get the krockoin?” asked Klump.
“Probably bekause the Kumulonimbus is right next door. For that reason, the mayor is probably under duress to some degree. Who knows, if he refuses, the Kumulonimbus bombards Hermit Crab Cove. He needs a source of food, and Hermit Crab Cove’s exports were agrikultural under the kongs, and even more dominantly agrikultural now that we have arrived. Assuming this is long-term, an accessible food supply that accepts the kurrency you’re switching to is kritikal,” said Cat-o’-Nine-Tails.
“This sounds pre-orkhestrated. Everyone up top must know the truth,” said Bristles.
“Is that it, food?” asked Kaboom, “Surely, there is some better explanation for that.”
“Well, in order to give a koin value, you need to have power backing it. Especially material value. K.rool isn’t going to accept the krockoin, if he believes the situation will right itself, then the krockoin is a sign of needless rebellion. In fakt, I’d assume he konsiders the kollaboration between Kremkroc and Hermit Crab Cove a separate kountry. In fakt, he might be konsidering it a separate empire and a revolution to be krushed. If he thinks Kunning is behind this, then he will lose his job. But of kourse, K.rool might not be able to bring this about without militant force. Then a state of aktive war will exist between them. And who says that he will gain support to fight against kremlings and the kongs. If anything, you should expekt a heightened warfare against the kongs,” said Cat-o’-Nine-Tails.
“In this case, I’ll have to recalculate my prices,” said Bazaar.
“You don’t have to akkount for inflation,” said Cat-o’-Nine-Tails.
“Why not?” asked Bazaar, “Wait, I have to ship most of my stuff from Kremkroc, and anything else, I can either substitute or source it locally.”
“Bingo!” Cat-o’-Nine-Tails said.
“Which means this won’t really affekt us,” said Krook, matter-of-factly.
“We might get affekted in the short run due to the potential of the 8% inflation impakting us before we switch to the krockoin, though,” said Bazaar.
“On that one, who knows. It really only matters if the supply chains adjust that quickly,” said Cat-o’-nine-tails.
“What if they raise their prices?” asked Gnawty.
“Then we should do the same!” said Bazaar.
“Are you an ekonomister?” asked Kaboing.
“An ekonomist?” asked Cat-o’-nine-tails, “Yes. That used to be my job. But we might inflate the krockoin if we do that.”
“What about some sort of fair- trade agreement. If that’s what those things are kalled,” said Krook.
“That might be a good idea,” said Bazaar.
“Krook, I’ll purchase our washer. You should go back to the house to get our life savings to exchange for krockoins,” said Kaboing.
“You kut through line to buy a washer?!” said an annoyed Kritter, “I hope it’s the machine.”
“Nope. But it’s a very important washer,” said Kaboing.
“Ok, Kaboing, you buy the washer,” said Krook.
…
“DK!” said Dixie.
“What?” asked DK.
“You look indistinguishable from a kremling!” said Dixie.
“You mean a Krusha with a missing arm and leg and instead replaced by brown fur?” asked DK.
“You could just pretend you have kongitis,” said Dixie.
“You couldn’t find anything better in the kremling costume shop?” asked DK.
“I couldn’t actually go in. I dug through the rubbish bin,” said Dixie, “I couldn’t risk blowing our cover.”
“As kremlings?” asked DK, “I don’t think it would’ve mattered. It’s odd that the hive here isn’t like the hives you described on crocodile isle. There’s yellow tile everywhere! I mean there’s a few honey spills on the ground, but these zingers seem much more advanced.”
“I’d agree,” said Dixie surveying the walls and floor of the hive, “I didn’t think the kremlings had advanced so much in so little time.”
“I’m going to go as myself. No disguises,” said DK, “You know what, we should get going.”
DK pointed towards the swath of unobstructed yellow tiles seemingly making up a road.
“Perhaps. But then wouldn’t we get spotted easily?” asked Dixie.
“Look! There’s nobody around!” said DK.
“You go first, either way,” Dixie said.
“Fine by me,” DK said.
He began to cross the road, but before he had taken a second step across, he was assaulted by an army of zooming zingers coming from both ways. He jumped back, shocked.
“What’s going on?” asked DK.
“Either you set off a trap, or it’s rush hour. It’s just about 5,” said Dixie, “I’d consider the latter more likely.”
The zingers were so intent on zooming to their destinations that they did not notice two kongs hanging out on the side of the road.
“How do they not see us?” asked Dixie.
“I have no idea,” said DK, “But it was a major coincidence that I crossed the road the moment rush hour started.”
DK and Dixie waited for about an hour before the traffic began to die down. Then they crossed the road when it had become as empty as before. There was a sign that said Sticky Situations Honey Division and they crossed the bounds. Inside they saw massive walls filled with honeycombs with a few zingers bobbing in and out into different places and Krushas, Krunchas, and Krumples were hard at the grist powering all of the machines with manual labor.
“What do we do?” asked DK, “In other words, how do we get out of here?”
“There’s always the entrance,” said Dixie, “But I don’t think that’s how we go progress.”
“Let’s go, then!” said DK.
…
“Sir,” said Koindozer turning away respectfully.
The other Koindozer followed suit.
“Grant entry!” yelled the second Koindozer.
“Got it!” said Kritter from inside the gate, “Who is it?”
“Skholar!” said the first.
“Who’s that?” asked Kritter.
“Kunning sent him!” said the second.
“That’s fine, then!” said Kritter.
Skholar crossed the moat leading into the castle.
“Open the gates, Krusha!” said Kritter.
The gates began to open and Skholar walked in. The Kritter in question was reading a book called The Monkey Book of Science by M. Nuts, which to Skholar, sounded a dubious work. He looked up at Skholar and waved. Skholar waved back. Then he went back to his book and took a sip of his drink that he was drinking. Skholar deduced that it was tea.
“Where’s K.rool?” asked Skholar.
“Somewhere in the Northern Kremispheres, I think,” said Kritter.
“Kritter!” said Krusha from above, “Skholar’s here to see K.rool!”
“Oh! He’s the one we’ve been expekting?” asked Kritter.
“Yes!” said Krusha.
“Ok. He said to tell anyone else that he’s in the Northern Kremispheres,” said Kritter, “He’s in the konference room. Which is three rights and then two lefts and then room 101.”
“Wasn’t it two left and then three rights?” asked Krusha.
“Perhaps,” said Kritter, “Is that what he said?”
“I don’t know. You should try both, though,” said Krusha.
“Will do! Thank you!” said Skholar.
Skholar figured that he should first go for the two left and three rights based on the shape of the building. In fakt, his guess was right.
“Are you Skholar?” asked K.rool.
“Indeed, I am!”
“Good. Then you should know what to make of this information,” K.rool motioned towards the filled wall with various notes, images, and other paraphernalia.
The names at the top consisted of, my treasurers, Kunning; which was crossed out, Krusha, Mr. X; which was also crossed out, Donkey Kong, Cranky Kong, General Klump, Wrinkly Kong, Swanky Kong, and Krash.
“Why is Mr. X krossed out?” asked Skholar.
“Bekause he’s dead,” said K.rool.
“I’m not certain about that,” said Skholar.
“Why not?” asked K.rool, “Kunning said he, well, dematerialized. Or something like that.”
“Well, if that is the kase, then potentially,” said Skholar.
“Why would Swanky Kong be behind this?” asked Skholar.
“Potentially, he wants more money for his game show. Plus, he’s a konvicted felon,” said K.rool.
“You’re true about both things, but what use would he have for Kremkoins?” asked Skholar.
“Ok,” said K.rool, “I have thought about the potential of Donkey Kong, and he seems unlikely for the issue at hand. More likely, is Cranky. But then again, he is not the probable kulprit. I haven’t eliminated Krash for the reason that he may have something to do with this.” K.rool said.
“Krusha is the only one who stands to gain,” said Skholar, “Other than Kunning.”
“Kunning doesn’t have aspirations to usurp me, though,” said K.rool.
“I think so too,” said Skholar.
“But Krusha does,” said K.rool.
“Eliminating the rest should be trivial. Wrinkly Kong has little motivation and no resources to do it. General Klump probably doesn’t have motivation, and probably isn’t kapable of doing it,” said Skholar.
“I never aktually konsidered that it was Scurvy,” said K.rool, “But he doesn’t have any means. And my treasurers are too fool-hardy to be that konniving. Mekanos and Kremkroc are the only two places to mass-produce kremkoins. I wonder what happened to Kritter and Gnawty and investigating Mekanos.”
“I don’t know,” said Skholar, “But then how would I?”
“Exkuse me, I’ll be just a minute,” K.rool said as he started dialing the phone on the table.
“Hello, this is Kritter,” said Kritter, “Who is it?”
“WHO IS IT?” asked K.rool.
“K.rool! I was waiting for you to kall for a status report!” said Kritter.
“You were supposed to kall me,” said K.rool.
“You’re probably right,” said Kritter.
“Go ahead. Give your status report,” said K.rool.
“Well, it appears that Mekanos exploded,” said Kritter.
“What?!”
“Mekanos is a pile of rubble. There’s several kremling scientists looking at it as we speak,” said Kritter.
“What have they found?” asked K.rool, just a note of anger showing up in his voice.
“It appears that some sort of bomb annihilated the facility. From what they kan tell, it appears that the shockwave resonated outwards. The bomb kame from inside. They’re kalling it either korporate espionage, or a lab accident,” said Kritter.
“I’d say that it’s korporate espionage, konsidering the cirkumstances,” said Gnawty.
“It’s sabotage!” said K.rool, “The person responsible for it blew it up to kover their tracks!”
“There have been konfirmed nine survivors out of 322 that were in the faktory at the time of explosion. Five of these have been akkounted for. The other four are missing,” said Kritter.
“A konspiracy?!” said K.rool, “Who are the four unakkounted for?”
“Krunch Kritter, General Krusha, General Klump, and John Taggart,” said Gnawty.
“Krunch! He’s a high-standing kremling! And Krusha and Klump?! They’re obviously behind this! And there’s a human employed at Mekanos?! A human?!” said K.rool.
“By our reports, he was an outside kontraktor to katch the animals that eskaped from the labs,” said Gnawty.
“So, a glorified dog katcher,” said K.rool, “Humans are worse than kongs! I mean, look at Mario and Luigi, for example! Buffoons!”
“His official title was, kryptozoologist and…”
“Dog katcher?” finished K.rool.
“No,” said Gnawty.
“What then?!” said K.rool.
“Half of the page is chomped off. Looks like Krimp teeth. It started with an N,” said Gnawty.
“It’s not important what his title was. Put up wanted posters around the kremling empire diktating a 1 million kremkoin reward,” said K.rool.
“I’ll put out the word,” said Kritter.
“Good,” said K.rool, and he hung up the phone.
“Are you certain that General Klump and General Krusha are behind this? General Klump seems too, well, honorable. If you get my point. If you remember though, when Krusha tried to usurp the crystal coconut from you,” said Skholar.
“Only after he bekame smart, though. He’s not smart at all!” said K.rool.
“He kould be faking it,” said Skholar.
“You’re right! Krusha won’t make a monkey out of me!” said K.rool.
“We shouldn’t jump to konklusions yet. Not until we have proof,” said Skholar.
“Fair enough,” said K.rool.
“If you would like to know, General Klump is here,” said a Krumple walking in the door.
“Where?” asked K.rool, excited at the chance, “I don’t see him.”
“Not here, here. In K.rool Kaves!” said Krumple.
“Isn’t there a krockhunt going on for him?” asked K.rool.
“He headed back to his office, Kaptain. We didn’t know we were supposed to apprehend him,” said Krumple.
“Well, you were! I’ll go to his office immediately!” said K.rool, furious.
“I’ll stay here and survey the evidence then?” offered Skholar.
K.rool slammed the door behind him.
“I suppose that settles things,” said Skholar, “Do you mind if you move that table over there? It’s messing up the walkway.”
“Ok.”
…
Very soon afterwards, K.rool chatted with General Klump. Or rather yelled.
“Are you behind this?!” said K.rool.
“Of kourse!” said General Klump.
Steam started coming out of K.rool’s ears.
“Of kourse, I’m behind the sekret machine that me brother and me have been building!”
“What machine?!” K.rool yelled.
“The Blast-o-Matik 2.0!” said General Klump, “I got some plans out of one of the filing kabinets in Mekanos!”
“It’ll work great!” said Kaptain Scurvy.
“Except we’re missing some of the blueprints,” said General Klump.
“Snide’s work, klearly,” said Scurvy.
“You’re doing what?” asked K.rool.
“We figured that if we kan’t konquer DK Island, then we kan blow it up!” said General Klump.
“That’s a foolhardy plan,” said K.rool, “And Kunning says that before long, we will have komplete kontrol of DK Island. The kongs have to kome to their senses at some point. And I agree with him.”
“It doesn’t look like it’s going that way,” said Scurvy.
“Only bekause I have fools for generals,” said K.rool.
“And you’re the only sane one?” asked Scurvy.
“I guess you’re fairly kompetent. And Kunning’s a genius. Mr. X was also fairly smart until he betrayed us,” said K.rool, “Klump, you’re a fool.”
“Thank you, sir! Does that mean I’m reinstated? You’re saying my name,” said General Klump.
“If you kan get this to work, Klump, then yes. I’ll have you as a private on probation,” said K.rool.
“Thank you, sir!” said General Klump, “You have no idea how much this means to me! Do I bekome a general again after that?”
“No, I have an idea. But maybe. But I doubt it. If you two don’t mess this up, I will promote you to a Kommodore, Scurvy. And you Klump, to whatever the rank below general is,” K.rool said.
“Colonel, sir,” said Scurvy.
“Doesn’t that make him higher than you?” asked Private Klump.
“Don’t you know that my Kaptain title is honorary?!” K.rool said.
“No,” said Private Klump.
“Also, if you two do it fast enough, I will give you, Klump, a medal of honor. And Scurvy, you’re pardoned for your krimes koncerning piracy,” said K.rool.
“You were aktually going to konvikt for those?” Scurvy asked, laughing.
“I was,” said K.rool.
“When? I’m pretty sure that you’ve konvikted worse krimes yourself,” said Scurvy.
“You’re going to akkuse me of krimes?!” said K.rool.
“Of kourse! If you were going to do the same to me. I mean in a kong kourt, I kould konvikt you to over 40 attempted thefts of the Crystal Coconut,” said Scurvy, “And of kourse, how many kremlings have you had killed? Maybe you kould evoke exekutive privelige for that one, who knows. And the time that you brainwashed Donkey Krock into thinking he was Donkey Rool. D.rool! Kongo Bongo Hero! I kan just see it up in lights!”
K.rool glared at Scurvy before responding, “Donkey Krock! Kongo Bongo Hero! Also, up there in the lights. We live in one krazy town.”
“I’d say we do,” said Scurvy, “But ok, I’ll accept your deal.”
“How long?” asked K.rool.
“Two months,” said General Klump.
“I’ll kome in and help you every now and then if that is the kase,” said K.rool.
“So, a month then?” asked General Klump.
“I don’t know why you’re asking me,” said K.rool, “And how is your math working?”
“I don’t know,” said General Klump.
“I’ll decide if I want to take this kourse. For now, keep building it. I just had an idea, I should look for a supreme kommander of forces. I’ll ask Kunning what qualities a supreme kommander should have. By the way, this is the only smart decision that you have ever made, Klump. Perhaps this goes for you as well, Scurvy,” said K.rool.
“Bye, K.rool!” said Private Klump.
“Later!” said Kaptain Scurvy.
“Kould you still kall me general?” asked Private Klump.
“Of kourse! I’m getting tired of K.rool’s antiks, though. I need to go back to my ship soon,” said Kaptain Scurvy, “I don’t know how you stand it here.”
“I guess I just do,” said General Klump.
by WesternTanager794
»
March 21st, 2023, 3:10 pm 
